There are 10 red flags or obvious signs you need to seek couples counselling if you want to save your relationship.
You don't need to check off all ten of them even one or two is enough to cause concern and to get get help before it is too late. The biggest mistake you can make is to leave it too long before seeking help, typically couples report being unhappy in their marriage for up to 6 years before getting help. Why wait and why waste time being miserable. It is much easier to fix one or two items on the list than 9 or 10 so do something about it now.
- You lead increasingly separate lives - so many times we hear "I feel like I am living with a housemate rather than a husband". You don't share the same interests any more and even if you do, you have become so used to doing things on your own that is just how it goes. The problem with this is you are not creating new shared memories, and you aren't solidifying your future. Counselling can help you reconnect and learn to enjoy doing things together again and maybe you wont feel so alone.
- You fight about the same things all the time - yep. here we go again, you've heard it all before. You know exactly what their complaints are because you have heard them on repeat for the last months/years. This is what we call the "negative cycle" and Kate can certainly help you identify and understand yours and turn your interactions into positive ones.
- You have stopped being intimate - no more holding hands, kissing, caressing or even sex. How can this be ok? Intimacy between a loving couple is one of the things that separates your relationship from the relationships you have with other people, it is one of the things that makes it special. It is one of the benefits of being in a relationship. When you lose intimacy for an extended period of time it damages your relationship and your long term chances of survival. But it is possible to reconnect and find your intimacy again.
- You fight about money - Usually couples fight over finances because they have different, deeply rooted beliefs about the best way to use money. Relationship therapy can help you understand your partner’s point of view help you find some middle ground.
- You feel like he/she doesn't listen to you - is communication between you poor because you have issues in your relationship or is your relationship in trouble because you have communication issues. Either way you need to be able to communicate better to repair your relationship and to maintain open and honest dialogue, to express your needs and love.
- You don't trust them - if you don't trust your partner to look after you emotionally or to tell you the truth then it is impossible to feel safe and loved. Healthy relationships are built on trust. Whether your partner has broken that confidence through an affair or other betrayal or if you have inherent trust issues – it is a problem that needs to be fixed. Kate can help re-establishing trust help you rebuild a healthy relationship.
- Every thing they do is wrong or annoys you - Do you openly criticise everything your partner does, running them down at every opportunity. Does it feel like they do things just to annoy you. Honestly it just isn't possible to need to chew food that way! Perhaps you have built up so much resentment it just feels like that. Holding resentment is not good for your relationship but it also isn't good for you or your health. Counselling can help get to the root cause of the resentment and find some resolution.
- You think they are having an affair - This comes back to trust. Without trust you don't have a relationship and this needs to be fixed. If you think they are having an affair and you are too afraid to ask that is a problem, if you have asked and they have said no and you still don't believe them that is also a problem. Relationship counselling can help you with a neutral space to discuss concerns and raise these types of issues in a place where you can both feel supported.
- You are having an affair or thinking about having an affair - Social media and other Apps have made it pretty easy to connect with people, so if you find yourself sending flirty or inappropriate messages to co-workers, friends or even strangers, you could be a step closer to having an affair. Couple therapy can help you identify what it is you are missing in your relationship and help fix the problem before it is too late.
- You are critical of them to you children - It doesn't matter if they are your children, his/hers children or yours together being critical of your partner to the kids is not ok. This means saying things when your partner isn't there or even when they are. If the children see you don't respect each other it can mean they wont respect you. If they live with this kind of relationship for long enough it can also mean they end up in critical relationships as adults as this is normal to them. And I'm sure you don't want that for them too.